"I'm Fine". [First Christmas without the man I idolized.]

My grandpa.

God, I need to let it out so bad. I just miss him so much.

3 days from now, it'll be exactly one year after he left me. Us. Whatever.

He was a great man. Sure, grumpy at times, but I swear, he never said ONE bad word when I was in the house, he always offered me his chair if I was standing up, he snuck more meat than he was supposed to eat, he always hugged me when I asked him for hug, always said encouragin words to me when I visited him, crying because of stress of my school, and we used to laugh together at dumb Soap Operas on TV.

Now I can't even watch soap operas, or I start crying.

This Christmas, before I went to my parent's house and my grandma's, I visited his grave and talked a while with him. Just to let him now how lonely I feel without him, you know? I cried a lot, and then my cousin showed up. She's one year older than me, but crazier.

She told me to remember how much my grandpa hated to see us cry. When he cried, he got so mad because he couldn't do anything about it. So everytime we stopped crying, he forced us to do a stupid little silly dance in front of him. I always dreaded when that happened.

Now I'd rather dance in front of him a million time as long as he was there when I finished to hug me.

My cousin told me that we should stick to his "tradition". I told her we're to old to dance around like idiots, but she said that was nonsense and we'd better not get my grandpa mad.

So.

We danced.

We laughed and luaghed dancing like crazy, and at the end, we both knelt down and told him we loved him, and we always would.

My cousin left, but I stayed a while more. I told him I'd give anything to give him a hug, those tight ones he always gave me.

Then I left.

I went crying all the way to my parent's house, but forced myself to be strong.

After, like, at one in the morning, I went with my grandma, [the widow] who had invited me to sleep over at her house that night. Of course I accepted, seeming as my grandma now always sleeps alone.

Once in the guest room, I dreamt. And guess of who? Of course.

He was there. Sitting in front of me with that goofy smile he always had planted on his face, after he'd done something silly. He then said the only words I remember he said, becuase he did say more:

"I'm fine."

And God, I hope he really is.

GAH! I hate crying while writing it down. I'm trying to vent out my feelings and I end up crying anyway. Ah. Oh well.

I just needed to let that out.

Merry Christmas, Grandpa.

I love you.

And I miss you.